


distant memories

by SunflowerEnthusiast



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, mentions his sister as well, some spoilers for act 2 of the main story (mainly focused around itaru's backstory)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:01:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22585297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunflowerEnthusiast/pseuds/SunflowerEnthusiast
Summary: Itaru's sister has been a constant in his life ever since he was born.—Or, I wanted to experiment writing about the Chigasaki family.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 58





	distant memories

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't actually planning on posting this because I felt like it was too inaccurate, headcanon-y, etc., etc., but then I was like... Well, if they take the time to write about Itaru's sister, then I actually won't be able to post this fic because my headcanons about her will probably go down the drain, so here we are. I wanted to write about her at least once before I get proven wrong about how she is. Also please forgive my shoddy writing, once I get on the headcanon express about Itaru's past and family, I can't get off
> 
> Warnings: Spoilers for Itaru's past (so KniRoun spoilers), and also just a heads-up, but since I'm writing about Itaru's past from his POV, it gets... a little heavy I guess? It's not that bad (I think) but please read with caution!

Ever since Itaru was a child, he’s never felt any urge to be doted upon by other people, nor has he felt a desire to interact much with other people.

“It’s creepy how he never smiles.”

“Will he even respond if we say anything to him?”

To be honest, it wasn’t necessarily that he was completely uninterested in other people—it was more like he didn’t have anything to say to them, so he saw no need to speak to them. He wasn’t the type to strike up a conversation with his immediate family or his relatives, and he didn’t really think he was doing anything wrong. After all, he minded his manners, like his parents told him to.

But when he heard people say those things about him, he realized that he was doing something wrong. What was he doing wrong, though? He was following all of his parents’ rules. When he couldn’t figure out what he was doing wrong, he drew a conclusion all on his own.

He must have been missing something. He was… incomplete.

He wondered what it was.

In the midst of all that, he does remember one thing. Back then, when he was a child, he was attached to his older sister. These days, he’s terrified of her, but he digresses. He didn’t know any better when he was a kid.

His older sister was—and still is—like a female version of Itaru; although, since they’re siblings, he supposes that makes some sense. When she was younger, she would smile and talk politely to their relatives while Itaru hid behind her. She would hold his hand, nudge him when he needed to respond to a question, and then eventually drag him away when the conversation was over. Not that he needed any prompting, though.

She was the so-called “perfect child,” but Itaru honestly didn’t care about that. From his point of view, she had it harder than him being in the spotlight all the time. He wouldn’t have wanted to trade places with her.

Itaru grew up with someone “perfect”—or, more accurately, he was raised by that person. Their parents were usually busy with work, so they weren’t home very often. They would attempt to be home as much as possible, but usually work kept them away from the house. Due to that fact, Itaru’s sister was the one who basically raised him.

Well, to be honest, she dumped her chores on him a lot and basically made him her personal slave, but well. She couldn’t trust him to cook, so she was the one who fed him. She was also the one who helped him out with his homework (very reluctantly), and the one who would force him to go to sleep instead of playing games. So, yeah. She was kinda the one who raised him.

In hindsight, even though he always felt like he was suffering because of her back then, he now realizes that he was pretty lucky to have her. She kept him in line and made sure he grew up (kind of) alright.

… Not that he would ever thank her for that.

He can’t remember which Christmas it was, but he has vivid memories of a Christmas that he spent with his sister. It’s probably still one of the most memorable Christmases for him, even though he now lives with twenty-five other people and they have quite the Christmas parties every year.

Anyway, that Christmas, their parents couldn’t come home. It wasn’t unusual, since they were normally busy around that time of the year, so Itaru shrugged it off. Their parents would always send them presents that they could open on Christmas Day, though. That year was no different.

Leading up to Christmas, Itaru’s sister had been dropping hints about some new clothes and makeup she wanted. Itaru would judge if he hadn’t been doing the exact same thing about some games he wanted. Lo and behold, they both got what they wanted on Christmas. That, too, wasn’t surprising—their parents were quite well-off, and they would usually buy their children whatever they wanted for Christmas. In that sense, Itaru supposes they were both spoiled.

Itaru was perfectly content to hole up in his room playing games until dinnertime, but before he could make off with his loot, his sister, who had just been staring down at her presents, abruptly collapsed over them. Itaru panicked and went over to her to make sure she didn’t faint or something, but he was shocked when he found that she was… sobbing.

You see, Itaru never has and never will be good with crying people. So at the time, all he could do was awkwardly pat her back and offer her some tissues. She was quiet except for her sobs… until she whispered, “They’re never here… They’re never here for us…”

And, that day, Itaru found out something he didn’t want to know.

His sister, despite how accepting she always seemed about the situation, hated their parents for always leaving them alone.

In present time, Itaru knows that she doesn’t feel that way anymore, but at the time, it had been a shock to Itaru, who honestly didn’t care that their parents weren’t at home much. After all, they usually either called or texted once a day to make sure they were okay, and they also made sure that Itaru and his sister were both living comfortable lives. He didn’t think they were horrible people, not in the slightest. But seeing his sister’s bitter expression that day…

Itaru didn’t know what to do.

Maybe she was angry that they basically left it up to her to raise a kid even though she was just a kid herself. Maybe she was tired of having to be the responsible older sister. Maybe she just simply missed their parents.

Itaru, who had never desired much from other people, couldn’t possibly understand how she felt.

That’s probably why she never told him. Eventually, when her tears finally stopped, she had stood up, eyes red and puffy, and apologized to him. She told him that she was going to be in her room until dinnertime, and that when dinnertime came, she was just going to warm up the pre-prepared food she’d bought yesterday. All Itaru could do was nod and watch in silence as she walked away, head high and back straight.

They ate dinner quietly that night, and so the curtain closed on what was probably Itaru’s worst Christmas.

Sometimes, he remembers that day and thinks to himself, “Maybe I could have done something for her,” but no, he doubts it. See, the one thing that he respects about his sister is her strength, and it was no different back then. His sister is proud, unwavering, and “perfect.” Up until that day, Itaru had never seen her so much as complain. But that day taught Itaru that his sister was human, just like he was—she had emotions, and she had days where she felt terrible. Her life wasn’t all roses, no matter what she wanted other people to think.

That’s why, he’s sure that he wouldn’t have been able to do anything for her. Itaru, with all his awkwardness, would have only made the situation worse if he tried to comfort her. He’s sure that he would have said the opposite of what she wanted to hear. Itaru _is_ pretty emotionally stunted when it comes to real feelings, after all.

But… if he could have done something, he wishes he had. Because on that day, Itaru’s sure that his sister was feeling the same emotion that he’s struggled with all his life.

—He’s sure that she had felt… lonely.

Itaru may not have desired much from other people, and he may not have been very interested in them—but that didn’t necessarily mean that he had sworn them off or anything. When he was really young, he remembers that he would get jealous when he would see children playing together. His sister never did that with him, and neither did his parents.

That’s why, he realized—maybe he wanted friends. So, he tried to make some.

… It didn’t go that well, needless to say.

And he realized what loneliness was like.

He wonders if, maybe, he’s just been lying to himself his entire life. He wonders if he’s just convinced himself that he doesn’t care about other people because it softens the blow of reality.

There’s no point in wondering that now.

It’s true that ever since he was a child, he hasn’t felt any desire to be doted upon, though. He supposes he was born with an independent personality—not a surprise for the Chigasaki bloodline, if he’s being honest. Speaking of that bloodline, his relatives’ comments to him when he was younger… He thinks he understands what he was missing, now.

Warmth.

It’s kind of pitiful, saying it even in his head, but at least no one else can hear him. It isn’t like he’s dissatisfied that he was raised without warmth, though. It doesn’t bother him. Even if his parents had been the warm, caring type and had been home all the time, he doubts that he would have liked that version of himself very much. He quite likes his current self.

—And, he supposes, his current self was half-molded by his sister, and half-produced by his childhood.

On the surface, a “perfect” person, just like his sister; and underneath, a hopeless game addict, still lost somewhere in his youth.

His escape was games. With characters of all sorts to keep him company, who needed real people? That was Itaru’s theory that he grew up with and clung to so desperately to deny reality. He put on his headphones and turned the volume up so high that he could no longer hear the jeers from the kids at his school.

He didn’t need anything other than games. They were his lifeline.

In Itaru’s opinion, something is needed to escape from loneliness. Usually, that’s a person. For Itaru, that was never an option. And so, Itaru poured his heart into games. If he entrusted his fragile feelings to a game, then no one could hurt him. All those people who made fun of him… His pitiful real self… All of it would disappear when he played games.

He became a new “him” every time he played a game.

But, one day, he made a mistake. He tasted what “friendship” was like. He learned what it was like to laugh with someone else, smile with them, and have fun playing games together. Once he had a taste, he would never be able to forget it.

So perhaps that’s why he was so empty after he was betrayed by that very friend.

Once he knew what it was like to be close to someone else, he wouldn’t be able to return to loneliness. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that. Yet he couldn’t stop himself. He opened up his heart to someone else. Even if they were just friends, that was more than enough for someone who had never been close to anyone else in their entire life.

Itaru, essentially, had his happiness stolen by the one who had given it to him.

Oh, the irony.

Once he returned to being on his own, he realized that it was harder to fill the void inside himself. Loneliness and hurt gnawed away at his very being, to the point that he could no longer bring himself to playing his beloved series, KniRoun, because it would remind him of the backstabber. He would eventually be able to return to KniRoun, but during those days, just seeing the title brought back bitter memories.

Every day, his sister would sigh at the pitiful look on his face and roll her eyes. Of course she wouldn’t understand—is what he wished he could say, but he knew otherwise. He had once witnessed people who claimed to be her friends talking behind her back—and his sister, who heard them as well, kept smiling serenely, never stopping even when they were out of sight. When they got home, her smile didn’t break, and she excused herself to her room.

Itaru heard her crying later that night.

As loath as Itaru is to admit it, he and his sister are very similar. He knows that she gets undeserved hate because of her looks, but she never lets it get to her. Unlike him, who basically had to have a Cinderella-scale makeover by her, his sister has always been considered beautiful. That’s exactly why she was harassed for it. Jealous girls, disgusting guys—she could never get a break. But she never let it get to her.

“Why should I care what other people think about me?”

Thinking about it now, she’s probably where Itaru gets his “don’t know, don’t care” attitude from.

Anyway, he was never able to fill the void after he was betrayed, which is why he took up making videos and doing streams. At least, that way, he could sort of interact with people again. He didn’t have the courage to reach out as “Chigasaki Itaru,” but as “taruchi,” he was willing to make that jump.

And he’s glad he did.

These days, Itaru is surrounded by people who care about him despite his gaming ways. The warmth that Itaru never quite had while growing up is here in this dorm, and it makes him feel like maybe he can change, too. Those foggy, dark days are gone, and he’s able to finally feel comfortable being himself.

Honestly, it feels like a miracle.

He knows that his sister is doing better these days as well, and even though she terrifies him, he still cares about her, so he’s relieved by that. His parents are as busy as ever, but they’ve told him that they’d like to see a play that he acts in one day. The thought sends shivers down his spine. His parents, who never came to any school events, coming to see him act? Downright terrifying.

His phone suddenly buzzes, shaking him out of his thoughts. When he sees his sister’s name, he can’t help but cringe.

_Itaru, when you come home for New Year’s, I want…_

There’s an entire list of stuff that she wants him to buy. Groaning inwardly, he sighs, making sure to reply an affirmative to her.

Still scary.

But…

It’s better than her crying.

… Just by a little bit.


End file.
